i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
