could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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