so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
