He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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