I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
