Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Princesses don't give blow jobs
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
