When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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