You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
