Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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