hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
