Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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