Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
