Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
