so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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