Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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