at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
