the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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