Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
