I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Randomize
