I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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