I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
