OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I am midnight drunk by noon
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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