Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize