im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
