she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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