I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
