I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
