you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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