After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Boobs speak an international language.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
