I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
