I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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