I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
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