is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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