Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
