so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
