dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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