We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize