i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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