Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
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