so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
