I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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