I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
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