My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Sorry my hands just texted you
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
