Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
