he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
