he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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