Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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