I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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