I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
