areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
and you fell through a lawn chair
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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