Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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