Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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