plz talk dirty to me
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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