$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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