my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
