U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize