I got chris browned last night
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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