in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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