The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
